Surviving bullying in the workplace

Apparently, I am difficult. Apparently, people at work ‘walk on eggshells’ around me. Apparently, it’s ‘my way or the highway’, that my team are scared of me, that my clients find me inflexible. That I appear detached at work meetings and do not hang about for drinks and socialise at, or after work. That I clear off as soon as possible.

Apparently.

The strange thing was, when I asked for working examples, none were given. Things became vague and theoretical. When I pressed for detail of the clients that were not happy, I was told “actually it wasn’t from the client directly, it was via someone speaking to the client”.

It wasn’t my work performance that was being discussed. I was great at my job. It was my behavior.

Detached.
Removed.
Unfriendly.

There is a matter I would like to raise. I would like to raise it again actually. I raised it 12 months ago. Trying to be a good sport, trying not to make a big deal of it. Trying to believe with a bit of time it would go away or naturally repair itself or be managed by those whose position it was to do so. Believing I would be protected in the workspace.

I reported to my manager that I felt unsafe with a workmate. It was not taken seriously. At all. The GM simply turned on his heels and walked out of my office. I brought it up at my review months later. Still nothing. “we look to you to fix this as you are the more flexible of the two”. Of all my talents, I cannot fix damaged thinking.

Borderline Personality Disorder with comorbid Covert Narcissism.

That’s my amateur diagnosis of the workmate. For two years I had watched and experienced their abuse of myself and other staff. I had seen one staff member quietly hustled out of the business. Whispers of claims of bullying. Whispers of a payout. Whispers.

For 8 years I had worked well for the business and was praised by it. I was responsible for a third of the headcount and had built, from scratch, a committed team that had low turnover and high morale. I was honest, direct, good at my vocation and loyal to my team. Even if we agreed to disagree from time to time.

The bully had staff bleed. No-one stayed in their department. “Lack of career path” said the GM. I sat at the staff meeting and thought “no, these people don’t get out of bed and think ‘where is my career path taking me today?’ They think ‘why is my manager so ungrateful? Why are they changing my agreed hours? Why are they cornering me in the work space and then berating me while I can’t get away? Why are they insisting I stay late with no notice when I have to pick up my child from daycare at an agreed time? Why do they treat me like I am untrustworthy? Why do they never say thank you? Why do I come home feeling like a piece of shit?’”.

I’m not sure what triggered the bully turning their guns on me, but they did. At first, I didn’t see it for what it was. I thought they were going through a hard time. I gave them space. I wasn’t perfect so I didn’t expect it in others. We all rub along. Then their behavior changed from verging on bizarre (I want your assistant for half their work week) to angry and unkind (you walk around like you know everything, no one likes you, you know, you’re useless at your job). I was shocked but also detached. That behavior was plain odd. They clearly needed help. This was not normal, yet alone acceptable. I told the GM what had gone on. Nothing happened.

I kept my distance and was ‘proper’ in the work place. The bully would then try to get personally close to me. Ask me to do favours for them, ask to join me on personal trips, quiz my staff and friends on my activities. When I wasn’t ‘available’ they would then get furious and vicious. Off to management to complain, spreading stories, gaslighting, triangulations, tantrums when I was caught laughing with another staff member, bullying members of my team (me by proxy). They had the ability to be terribly charming in one intake of breath and then be absolutely psycho when exhaling. I experienced stares, glares, put downs, gunnings at meetings, snide and threatening comments when others were out of sight or earshot. Eventually I learnt to recommend “A” when I really supported “B” because they would always want the opposite, just to upset and frustrate me.

I knew of two other staff members that were struggling with the bully. One had become so depressed they were then medicated. The other had lodged a complaint and been told by the GM to ‘manage the bully themselves’ – they were then subsequently ignored by the business.

And so, here I was. Lawyers at dawn. I was detached. Compressed. Someone else in my body. As we all stood up to leave the room, the lawyer for the business took a step back from my manager so they couldn’t be seen, locked eyes with me and raised their eyebrows. It said to me “this has been shit my dear, but I’m hired by them”. My lawyer told me in the car park “I was expecting to hear of an entirely other side of your behavior but they were unable to speak of any. They have been both illegal and lame. I am sorry for you”.

They just don’t like me. I was inconvenient. I thought differently. I didn’t necessarily agree with everything they said. I spoke up. I wouldn’t give up.

Here’s what I have learnt from a truly shitty situation:

1. Bullies are real and they can be clever. They can be charming. They don’t have to be an obvious, socially atonal thug to be a bully. They are quite likely to sit on the committee that develops anti-bullying policy. They can have complex psychological issues that you can’t expect a fellow staff member to manage or endure. Their behavior can creep up until at some point they will say or do something that makes you think “this is really unnormal” and you feel clammy all over. Welcome to the world of ‘damaged thinking’.
2. Don’t automatically assume management can cope with handling a bully, especially if the bully is playing management. Management may even use the bully to place pressure on staff that challenge them.
3. Don’t take it as personally as it feels. As he co-signed my exit agreement, my accountant pushed the document back to me and said “This stuff happens all the time. All the time. I see it all the time.” The degrading comments made to me by the bully were designed to hurt. They were intended to destabilise and disorientate. And the vague complaints made to me by inept management were designed to absolve them an uncomfortable situation that they couldn’t manage.
4. Support, good advice and insight comes from everywhere – use it. It will save you and allow for a faster recovery.
5. In time, I will feel grateful for this experience. For now, I am tired, occasionally sad and sometimes fearful for my future. I know this will pass and I’ll enjoy a new chapter. I will look back and realise I have been anointed with insight, understanding and genuine respect for the topic of workplace bullying. I will always know there are two sides to a story but I know it will be hard to dupe me.

When my resignation was announced the bully sent me a message saying how “shocked” they were and asked to catch up privately.

Hit Delete.

One day staring, glaring and diminishing, the next shocked and ‘reaching out’. I doubted they could see how unwell their behavior was. Damaged thinking. A month ago, I was having a meal with a friend and as I left the café I saw out of the corner of my eye, the bully sitting silently with their partner, staring and wordless as I walked by. I didn’t look. I kept moving. The bully looked like a sad, dirty smudge, slumped on a stool, wordless and depressed. I had finished a wonderfully rich, amusing, honest and support conversation with a trusted friend. I was glowing. I am glowing.

Apparently? No, actually. Actually I am honest, capable and direct. Actually I flourish in an environment where it’s safe to be yourself. Actually I believe in providing feedback in a timely and constructive manner. Actually I strive to make improvements, do well and continually improve in my work. Actually there is no room in my life for cruelty.

Actually.

And the story doesn’t end there. One year on, there’s an update in Moving On.

Author

Written by a friend of Self unLimited who bravely shared the raw poignant details of their experience, so they requested anonymity in the publishing of this content.